Tales of Tinder – Once upon a nightmare.

coke

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So the story goes a little somethin’ like this…

One of my besties met a boy on Tinder.

They chatted. It was tops.

He then asked her out for a coupla’ bevs on a Saturday afternoon.

They met. They chatted. It was tops.

This dude appeared to be a real gentlemen. A private school fella with a solid job and a cupboard full of chinos. Where could one go wrong? So when the gentleman asked to take my fair lady to the movies the following night. She thought (oh so casually) well he’s probably the one. Obvs.

A few hours before they were due to meet for the aforementioned movie date he hits her up via texty.

He’s sorry, he says. He’s exhausted from footy, he says.

He asks if she is available tomorrow night instead and because he seems so genuine, she accepted a change of date.

So it’s finally the night. The excitement is high. She meets him at the movies and they are both all smiles.

As they chat away in the ticket line he mentions rather nonchalantly that he cancelled the previous night as he had actually gone to a mates place for copious amounts of coke. He called in sick for work today.

I‘m just being honest, he says. Aren’t you into benders? he says.

They make their way to the front of the line. The woman at the counter tells them the price. He looks back at his date with a blank stare, sipping on his Hungry Jacks coke he was likely hoping would combat his comedown.

In order to avoid an extended awkward silence she suggests she will buy the tickets and he the food.

Sure, he says. That’s fine, he says.

They head to the candy bar and she helps herself to a self-serve soft drink cup. She’s about to fill the cup when he interjects.

Why don’t you just have the rest of mine? He says. It’s more economical that way, he says.

At first my friend thought he was having a laugh.  Insisting she drunk his warm, half drunk, straw-chewed-beverage? Is this guy for reals?

Seriously I’m not going to drink anymore, he says. Coke’s fattening anyway, he says.

Oh, he was for reals.

After insisting she would like her own beverage thank-you-very-much, he begrudgingly purchases the drink and a couple of movie snacks.

He then comments that she has a bit of stomach showing tonight.

It might look like a pregnant stomach after these snacks, she jokes.

From the snacks… or me being inside you? He says.

Yes… that’s what he really says.

What follows next 125 minutes of movie viewing with a petulant child. Loud talking, incessant texting, chair kicking and exaggerated bored sighs.

How much longer is this? he says. Are your butt cheeks asleep? he says.

The credits roll. She’s finally free.

She hustles to the carpark as quick as her slender legs will take her with him dawdling behind.

As she gives the gentleman a quick hug and bids him adieu, his romantic side finally shows itself.

So we gonna get this first kiss out of the way or what? he says. No thanks, she says.

The cherry on top of this stink pile was a facebook inboxie later that night just letting her know “if we don’t kiss next time you realise I’m officially moved into friend zone right? …You haven’t got me on snapchat yet either.”

So there you have it folks. A modern romance at its finest. A story to scare the tinder out of every single gal’s phone in town.

And a little tip for you fella out there… buy the girl a coke.

Until next time… That’s what she said.

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